My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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