my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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