I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
