She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
