hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
