Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
