took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
