I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
