Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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