He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
