Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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