I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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