Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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