I wish my penis had an off switch
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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