our cab driver is having phone sex.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
