We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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