I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I wish there were birth control emojis
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
