Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My balls are so social today.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
