i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
