You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize