Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
