I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
