I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
