I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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