I didn't shave. On purpose
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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