I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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