see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
