And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
