Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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