nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
