I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
