Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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