it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My penis needs a shock collar
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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