dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
