Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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