She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize