There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
