apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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