So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
