I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
