I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
