youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
