I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
