I think my vagina is haunted
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
