I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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