how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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