What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
