So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
