We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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