i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
