I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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