My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
