I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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