we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
