John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
