thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
