I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
