You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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