i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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