Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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