To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
