Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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