just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
