well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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