it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
