what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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