So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
