You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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