3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i wish my penis had a tongue
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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