Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
