Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
